Ahhha · father · Life · me · moments · Uncategorized

Aha Moments

Aha moments.

They come at the strangest times, usually unexpectedly, and without immediate clarity that will help you understand the impact those moments will have on your life.

One of those enlightening thunderbolts happen 13 years ago with an early morning phone call from my sister.

“Dad has died.”

As I put the phone down, I shook my head in confusion, trying to understand what was happening to my world. I felt the ground shift beneath me as if an earthquake was ripping my emotional support system apart, leaving me unbalanced, confused and questioning.

“Is there a Plan to all of this?” I wondered.” If so, it would be nice to have some instructions on how to proceed.”

No answer came, so I  got out of bed and began planning two funerals .

You see, Dad’s death came just 36 hours after I watched my husband’s life slip into another realm, leaving me saddened and wanting to share his future journeys. My Mother  had passed some 10 months earlier, and I was still grieving the loss of the woman who gave me life and spent 61 years teaching, aggravating, confusing, infuriating, loving and molding me.

I wasn’t without support. I had a sister who cared deeply for me, a sister who didn’t, many friends, close and distant, adult stepchildren who adored their father and encircled me with their love and understanding, and a doglet who looked for the Alpha Male to return.

I was not alone, but my pillars had crumbled. I was standing in the rubble still searching for  answers  about this sudden rupture in my life, and how to maneuver through the confusion and grief.

I can now fast forward 13 plus years, and see that my life has changed. I’ve grieved, I’ve grown, I’ve learned, and I am alive and well, living my life alone and with confidence.

I never knew I could live alone. I thought I needed a partner: to help me, to protect me, to complete me. It had never occurred to me that I didn’t need a protector, a helper, or someone who would make me whole.

I am fine without that particular crutch. For the first time in my life I am free. Free to be, do, think, choose, with the full knowledge that I am okay.

I’m acutely aware I don’t live in an isolated bubble. Friends, family, community give me a sense of connection. I’m alone, but certainly not lonely.

I have learned I like my own company.

I have learned I have a voice that is mine.

I have learned doors open and close, and I can choose the rooms I want to enter and those I want to leave.

I am learning everyday to be me.

The support system I lost was needed until it wasn’t.

There was, after all, a plan. And I’m enjoying fine tuning that plan.

 

 

 

 

 

 

21 thoughts on “Aha Moments

  1. Well said!!

    From: that little voice Reply-To: that little voice Date: Friday, January 5, 2018 at 3:48 AM To: Paula James Subject: [New post] Aha Moments

    WordPress.com that little voice posted: “Aha moments. They come at the strangest times, usually unexpectedly, and without immediate clarity that will help you understand the impact those moments will have on your life. One of those enlightening thunderbolts happen 13 years ago with an earl”

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  2. Some people just don’t get the difference between being alone and being lonely. I’ve always enjoyed being alone – I am very good company for me!
    A lovely post Margo, you seem to be having a great time in Mexico.

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    1. I am having a great time in Mexico, and right now we have a house full of folks. But in a week I’ll be here by myself for a month or so. And I too enjoy myself, although it is nice to have opportunities to interact with others. One advantage of being in San Miguel is there is a large community of ex-Pats, and they are very open and welcoming.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Perhaps it is as well we cannot plan the future…. but we must all be pretty resilient as we do mange to cope with the unexpected and some times unpleasant and shattering events in our lives.

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    1. Rachel, this particular Aha Moment was when I hung up the phone learning of my father’s death. I laid there in bed, saying to God, the Universe, my Higher Power, “Well, obviiously there is a plan for me since my support system has been almost wiped out. It will be nice if I could get a hint as to what the plan is”
      I knew at that moment I would be okay, and that I no longer needed to depend on my mother, my father or my husband. I knew I would form new connections. I knew I would find new sources of strength. I knew I didn’t need them any longer. I knew I was and would be fine. It was indeed an Aha moment.
      Yes, I missed them, but, I knew, I just knew, I would survive.

      There have been other Aha moments since then, often revolving around the fact that I am alone now, i.e. realizing I like my own company, realizing I can manage, and developing new friendships that would not have happened if the key players in my past life were still alive.

      That may be another post…
      Thanks for your question.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I dreaded losing my father, always thought I would not be able to cope without him. What I discovered as I sat with him shortly after his death, holding his hand and talking to him was that he was right there, in my heart. And he still is. As are the others I have lost along the way. For women brought up to imagine that we need a man to validate and support us in some way, it is the keenest liberation of all to discover how strong we are, how our choices don’t need to be explained or modified and that so long as we aren’t harming others or ourselves we really can please ourselves and in that pleasing we become better people. We do. Because the inner resistance is gone. I did not have a happy marriage and when my husband left me I bolted the door and put all my weight against it to prevent any hint that he might return. We divorced and I said never again. I had relationships but I never ever let a man think he could lay his hat in my parlour. Clock forward and I was talking to a friend over my shoulder at an art gallery and a soft voice said ‘I don’t think you are speaking to me’ – I turned and literally fell in love at first sight. We married a year later. In the preceding years I had learnt to ‘just be me’ as my third daughter puts it. Someone, somewhere saved the best for last. And even though he will never know my father, I know my father is smiling at the way things turned out in the end. Aha!

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    1. It is liberating to realize our own strength. San Miguel is a town full of women alone. I find we talk more honestly and more openly among other women, than we do when it is a mixed group.
      I believe Jack and my parents would be pleased with how I’m living my life today: Independently, honestly, and with gusto. Isn’t that how we want our children, our spouses, our friends to live?
      Do no harm, and be true to yourself, because if we do what is right for ourselves it will be right for those around.

      Liked by 1 person

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