What I’ve Lost

People, I’ve lost people…and lovable, loving pets. Friends, family, enemies (hopefully), doglets.

Some I have run from screaming with delight. Some I’ve neglected. Others have deserted me, unexpectedly. How dare them!

No one is to blame for the terminated relationships, maybe. Perhaps it is a mutual decision, perhaps it is lack of attention on my part or both our parts.

I marvel at the people who still have close friends from 60 years ago.  High school friends who continue to interact regularly, who stay in touch with annual get together, and constant social media conversations.

My longest and closest friend is my sister, who I’ve known all of her 75 years. I have other friends, but none I trust so completely, admire with such high esteem, and none I have known for so long.

We all grow in different directions, reaching for our piece of sun amidst the towering branches of others. Maybe struggling to find our path in the forest of souls.

So, what is the quality that holds relationships together? Determination? Commitment? Ignorance? Fear of change?

What hampers connectedness? Is it Independence? Competition? Boredom? Fear of closeness?

And why do some connections last, while others fade into ‘once was’?

I don’t know. It’s a mystery to me.

But I worry. Why don’t I keep long-term ties?

Am I not interested in others?

Do I depend on them to maintain the intricate lines between us, allowing me to let them do the work of preserving?

Is this selfishness on my part? Disinterest? Passive/aggressive behavior?

Or, is it my fear that I won’t be enough so I skip the manual labor of emotional joining, being the one that separates to avoid the pain of rejection?

Questions go unanswered, and will remain hidden from my understanding due to my lack of caring.

Another loss: caring?