Finding Wisdom

Wisdom has been an elusive destination for me.

In my youthful ignorance, I assumed I would be wise when I reached 30. When I was 20 I knew I didn’t know a lot, but by the time I reached the elderly age of 30 I would know what wise people knew.

That birthday dawned, and I was none the wiser than I had been 10 years earlier. I should have known I was in trouble because on that day I married a man with 4 teenagers. Just how wise was that? 

Not to be discouraged, I quickly moved the date for my wisdom to surface to 40. I could wait another 10 years for the bright star of knowledge to suddenly burst forth lighting my way to a status of wisdom.

Alas (there have been a lot of alas’s), that day came and went without the slightest bit of wisdom peeking through crevices in my brain. No sudden inspirations, no aha moments, just college selections, marriages, grandbabies, those every day hurdles without insight or understanding.

Thinking I was getting close to the wisdom pinnacle, I shortened my expectation to 5-year increments, longing to be filled with the magic of wisdom when I reached 45 years of age.

You get the picture; this pointless search has continued its frustrating journey with fading hope of ever becoming a wise woman. 

Today I’ve reached my 79^th year and the search continues. How is it some people are wise when they pop out of the womb, some reach the wisdom peak in their 20s or 30s? Here I am nearing my 8^th decade and wisdom eludes me.

I’ve run for it, waited for it, dug for it, meditated for it, cried, laughed, read, thought, but I’m left void of what I have believed wisdom looks like. I want deep understanding of the mysteries of life. I want to be asked about the meaning of complex situations. I want to reek with self-knowledge.

Damnit, I want to be wise.

Maybe it is time to change my definition of wisdom to something more attainable; such as

• wanting elastic in all my pants,
• listening to the rain splattering on windows
• enjoying silence and solitude
• laughing at life’s absurdities
• crying for no reason
• talking to myself
• accepting this is the best I will ever look again

Maybe that’s what wisdom really is, and if so, maybe I’ve gained a bit of wisdom, after all.